“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.