*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
There is wisdom there.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Wikigenius
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.