Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
You Might Also Like
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates