I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him