Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.