If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.