Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.