Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.