me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.