Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911