“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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Jupiter
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.