Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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Me driving through Toronto
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
i baked you a cake
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Social distancing in Australia:
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough