[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?