Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Kids, do not try this at home!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.