Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh