Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Friends don鈥檛 tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
this is how life feels
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
What鈥檚 the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
happy mother鈥檚 day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
me opening up to someone
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I鈥檓 part of that cult