[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You Might Also Like
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Duolingo getting serious.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there