Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
me after drinking all the wine:
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Happy Halloween 🎃
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche