“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
2022: I can fix it
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.