“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.