I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver