Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
When I snag the last meatball.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.