My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
This cat wants you to take your pills
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”