When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”