News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)