Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
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if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.