Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
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My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar