Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Wait for it
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.