Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
A family that plays together cheats.