Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable