Proctology is located in A55
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.