Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS