No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
This makes total sense…
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Finally!
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.