I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
no cat here
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.