Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.