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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point