How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Just so funny
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Never be a pizza!