I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.