“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.