This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.