Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads