Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?