lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Not my job 😂
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”