[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do