5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*names my little horse OneTrick*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
This anagram machine is out of order.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Lmfaoooooo
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right