[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly