waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*