Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?