Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Got him!
HELP 😭
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.