I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”